Condemnation Vs. Conviction?

The phone rang, it was 6:30 on a Monday evening and it was my husband’s doctor.  He was calling way after normal office hours.  I didn’t think much of it and yet my stomach turned as I handed the phone over to my husband.

They had found a mass in his chest and they wanted to run some tests.  They wouldn’t say what it was but the words of cancer loomed in the background.  This was the end of March and it was not until 3 months later that we were provided with some type of closure.  My husband was diagnosed with a Thymus Carcinoid Tumor and after a major surgery, 2 runs of chemotherapy and 36 rounds of radiation, we attempted to put our life back together.

It is now 3 and 1/2 years later and we have returned again to the nightmare of the unknown.  My husband’s cancer has returned and we again attempt to find normalcy in something that feels no where close to normal.

What does this have to do with condemnation or conviction?  I will try to explain.

When my husband was first diagnosed I did not have a faith in God that was very strong.  His first diagnosis brought me to a constant love that is only found in Jesus Christ.  I thought I was doing so well!  This time though, I feel convicted that it is my husband that must be brought closer to God.  I would not have even realized this if I did not learn the difference between condemnation and conviction.

Roman’s 8:1 states, Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  Condemnation comes from the devil.  This is the feeling that we are not worthy.  As Job 1:7 says, The Lord said to Satan, “where have you been? ”  Then satan answered The Lord and said, “roaming the earth and patrolling it.”  Condemnation is what told me 4 years ago that I was not strong enough to make it through the sickness of my husband.  It was condemnation that kept me awake at night wondering how I was going to get through the next day and the many more after that.  Condemnation told me that I was not doing enough for my husband and I must try harder.  It was what told me that I caused his illness or it would be my fault if I didn’t pray enough to save him.  But, it is God’s word that I held on to that helped me through.  As John 3:17-18 states, “for God did not send his son into the world, but to save the world through him.  Whoever believes in him is not condemned.”  I am not condemned, I am however convicted.

Conviction tells me that I must press on.  Conviction is the soft words of Christ telling me that I have work to do.  Conviction helps me to lean on the fact that there is more to my husband’s illness then what I am seeing.  Conviction told me that God wants to use my strength I have in him to get my husband closer to him.

Every morning I pray with my children prior to leaving home.  I do this when my husband is not around as I am unsure how he would feel.  I know we should pray together but it has become easier to allow our ways of worship to be joined at church.  We pray at meals but that is it.  That was until we had to battle cancer again.

My husband and I were lying in bed dreading the moment that he had to take the pills.  We were told that he now needed to be on chemotherapy and it would require taking one pill a night for 4 weeks then a break for 2 weeks.  We are not sure how long we will have to do this but that night we were in charge of that first pill.   The side effects are numerous but unknown to us which one may or may not be a concern.  He had to take a pill too cytotoxic for him to handle without gloves.  We sat and we waited as if time would make the pill become alive and find a way into his stomach by himself.

We got up and made our way into the kitchen with the little bottles in hand.  I knew what I had to do.  I started to pray.  Over each and every pill I prayed.  Over each and every pill I will continue to pray.

I then heard his words, God’s words telling me, “It is time Carrie, it is time for you to bring him to me.”

Faith is an amazing thing.  I have heard it said over the past couple of weeks that it will be my faith that saves my husband.  I cringe and smile as I realize that yes it is faith that saves us, but this does not mean that it is what will stop my husband’s cancer or keep him from death.   It is faith that tells me that God has a bigger plan.  Conviction tells me that it is now my job to help my husband find the Love of God that is real.  This will include prayers over pills, scripture written on notecards to remind him not to fear, and notes written on the mirror that show him that he is loved by his creator.

Condemnation keeps us stuck, but conviction provides us with freedom.   As 2 Corinthians 3:17 proclaims, “Now The Lord is the Spirit and where the Spirit of The Lord is, there is freedom.”

I am not giving up on my husband, I am not thinking that death is coming.  I am however living at the feet of Jesus and proclaiming , “My grace is sufficient for you, for the power is made perfect in my weakness.  I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses in order that the power of Christ may dwell in me (2 Corinthians 12:9)”.   My faith brought me to Christ and my conviction will now include bringing my husband to him as well!

Don’t allow condemnation to steal what The Lord has planned for you and your loved ones.  Listen to the conviction of The Lord  and walk in the journey he will make known to you.  Learn to sing of his mercy as you walk in the valleys of sorrow that will lead you to the rivers of joy!  I have seen the sorrow and I know that if I continue to follow his call I will see the rivers of joy.

Will you allow the lies of the enemy condemn you?  I did once.   But then I went to The Lord.   He spoke to me in saying, “I swear I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live.  Turn, Turn from your evil ways” (Ezekial 33:11).   I now will listen to the words of conviction as I find his strength in my weakness and use this strength to save the one I love!

Who I Am

My husband and I had recently gone to Rochester, Minnesota for a week of medical appointments.  Despite our circumstances we had a wonderful time.  I was able to really enjoy my role as his wife.  We ate out and enjoyed each other’s company.  We took an afternoon to stroll the local mall.  We talked and we spent time without really looking at what time it was.  We went on a drive down the Mississippi River and we enjoyed all that life had to offer.  I felt good.  I felt for once that I was doing what I was suppose to be doing and doing it well.  Thursday morning came and we were packing up to go, we had one final appointment and then we were to be on the road.  A part of me was a little sad to be leaving for we really had taken in all of the moments that we could.  We had done this trip many times before and this time we got it right.  Just one more appointment and we would be heading back to work, to kids, to houscleaning and cooking, and everything else that we had on our plates at home.  We had sat through these appointments many times before.  They would tell us that nothing had changed and we would be back in 6 months.  They would tell us that things were good and that we could continue with what we had always been doing.  So off we went.

The appointment did not go as we had planned.  We were told that the Cancer that was thought to be gone was back.  We learned that the Cancer was spreading and that we had to now think of treatment options.  We were asked to stay for another test and to wait…

Moments before I was sad because we had to leave and now I wanted to run as fast as I could the opposite direction.

Phone calls were made, tears where shed, more tears were shed, and my life again was changed.

I think back on how I felt those days before we found out what the results were and I think of who I am today.  One week later….

I am still that wife that did it all right for those 4 days when all I had to do was be Mark’s wife.  Now I am back in the role of mother, housekeeper, nurse, friend, daughter, and now back to being a caretaker.  How do I do it all?

I was able to feel so accomplished when I had a task and had the time to do it well.  I realized that it is when I expect myself to do all tasks well with the same amount of time that I begin to feel that I fail.  When I look at the, “what I am doing.” versus the “who I am”.   Being a good wife is incredibly important.  I have spent hours reading and studying how to be a good christian wife.  My other roles I have spent just as much time and effort in as well.   This though is where I will constantly feel like I am doomed to fail.  I must look at who I am and it is not the who I am to others but the who I am to Christ.

I can’t keep looking for my definition of who I am by the things that I do and the moments that turn out right.  I must go beyond what I am to others and turn once again to Christ.  I may have good moments as a mom or a great day at work, but these moments can not define me.   To recreate a gift that  God gave me into the definition of who I am would be shortchanging myself from the true person  that I am.  I can not expect perfect moments and the ability to DO well define who I am to a God that does not define us by what we do but by who He is.  My roles no matter how many or how few do not define me.

Just as I search in a book to find out how to be a good wife, mother, nurse, or friend…I search the best book to find Who I am to Christ.

Hebrews 4: 14-16 “I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.”

Roman’s 8: 1-2 “I am free from condemnation.”

Roman’s 8:28 “I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.”

Phillipians 1:6 “I am confident God will complete the good work He started in me.”

2 Timothy 1:7 “I have been given a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.”

Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

These are just a few of the promises that I am now holding on to.  It would be nice to be able to do all things well and to feel accomplished at all times, but this would be setting my hope in people again.  My hope comes from The Lord and that is where I must make sure that I find my definition.

Where do you seek to find who you are?  Don’t allow the world to define you.

I live every day in the actions of being a good wife, a good mother, a daughter, a nurse, a sister, and a friend.  I know that with time and concentration I can do one or two of these really well and it will be as if perfection has set in and I have become accomplished at these tasks, but in reality these people are not who I am.  I am a Child of God, defined by God.  Defined not by what I do, but by something that he already did.

Sending Blessings!