Who I Am

My husband and I had recently gone to Rochester, Minnesota for a week of medical appointments.  Despite our circumstances we had a wonderful time.  I was able to really enjoy my role as his wife.  We ate out and enjoyed each other’s company.  We took an afternoon to stroll the local mall.  We talked and we spent time without really looking at what time it was.  We went on a drive down the Mississippi River and we enjoyed all that life had to offer.  I felt good.  I felt for once that I was doing what I was suppose to be doing and doing it well.  Thursday morning came and we were packing up to go, we had one final appointment and then we were to be on the road.  A part of me was a little sad to be leaving for we really had taken in all of the moments that we could.  We had done this trip many times before and this time we got it right.  Just one more appointment and we would be heading back to work, to kids, to houscleaning and cooking, and everything else that we had on our plates at home.  We had sat through these appointments many times before.  They would tell us that nothing had changed and we would be back in 6 months.  They would tell us that things were good and that we could continue with what we had always been doing.  So off we went.

The appointment did not go as we had planned.  We were told that the Cancer that was thought to be gone was back.  We learned that the Cancer was spreading and that we had to now think of treatment options.  We were asked to stay for another test and to wait…

Moments before I was sad because we had to leave and now I wanted to run as fast as I could the opposite direction.

Phone calls were made, tears where shed, more tears were shed, and my life again was changed.

I think back on how I felt those days before we found out what the results were and I think of who I am today.  One week later….

I am still that wife that did it all right for those 4 days when all I had to do was be Mark’s wife.  Now I am back in the role of mother, housekeeper, nurse, friend, daughter, and now back to being a caretaker.  How do I do it all?

I was able to feel so accomplished when I had a task and had the time to do it well.  I realized that it is when I expect myself to do all tasks well with the same amount of time that I begin to feel that I fail.  When I look at the, “what I am doing.” versus the “who I am”.   Being a good wife is incredibly important.  I have spent hours reading and studying how to be a good christian wife.  My other roles I have spent just as much time and effort in as well.   This though is where I will constantly feel like I am doomed to fail.  I must look at who I am and it is not the who I am to others but the who I am to Christ.

I can’t keep looking for my definition of who I am by the things that I do and the moments that turn out right.  I must go beyond what I am to others and turn once again to Christ.  I may have good moments as a mom or a great day at work, but these moments can not define me.   To recreate a gift that  God gave me into the definition of who I am would be shortchanging myself from the true person  that I am.  I can not expect perfect moments and the ability to DO well define who I am to a God that does not define us by what we do but by who He is.  My roles no matter how many or how few do not define me.

Just as I search in a book to find out how to be a good wife, mother, nurse, or friend…I search the best book to find Who I am to Christ.

Hebrews 4: 14-16 “I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.”

Roman’s 8: 1-2 “I am free from condemnation.”

Roman’s 8:28 “I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.”

Phillipians 1:6 “I am confident God will complete the good work He started in me.”

2 Timothy 1:7 “I have been given a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind.”

Phillipians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”

These are just a few of the promises that I am now holding on to.  It would be nice to be able to do all things well and to feel accomplished at all times, but this would be setting my hope in people again.  My hope comes from The Lord and that is where I must make sure that I find my definition.

Where do you seek to find who you are?  Don’t allow the world to define you.

I live every day in the actions of being a good wife, a good mother, a daughter, a nurse, a sister, and a friend.  I know that with time and concentration I can do one or two of these really well and it will be as if perfection has set in and I have become accomplished at these tasks, but in reality these people are not who I am.  I am a Child of God, defined by God.  Defined not by what I do, but by something that he already did.

Sending Blessings!